One of the most common phrases in the spiritual community is also one of the most dangerous: "It was meant to be."
We hear it all the time. When a relationship fails, when a business partnership collapses, or when a boundary is crossed, the immediate reflex is to say, "Everything happens for a reason. I just needed to learn the lesson."
While this sounds deeply spiritual, it is often a quiet justification for choices that compromised our values. It is a way of outsourcing our sovereignty to the universe so we do not have to look at the moment we abandoned ourselves.
When we use "meant to be" to explain away our own lack of boundaries, we turn a moment of necessary accountability into a passive spiritual experience. We tell ourselves we are waiting for the universe to teach us something, when in reality, the universe is waiting for us to make a different choice.
The universe does not repeat painful patterns because you have not "learned the lesson." It repeats them until you develop the skill to choose differently.
A lesson is something you understand in your mind. A skill is something you embody in your actions. You can understand exactly why you attract unavailable partners or why you undercharge for your work. You can journal about it, process it, and understand the childhood root of it. But until you develop the skill to say "no" in real time, the pattern will continue.
The ego loves the idea of "meant to be" because it removes the friction of responsibility. It allows us to remain the passive recipient of our lives rather than the active co-creator.
But true spiritual maturity requires us to erase "meant to be" from our vocabulary when it comes to our own boundaries and values. It requires us to look at the repeated pattern and say, "This didn't happen because it was destined. It happened because I did not yet have the skill to hold the line on what I value."
That shift—from passive lesson-learner to active skill-builder—is where true sovereignty begins. It is the moment you stop waiting for the universe to change your circumstances, and you start changing the choices you make within them.
This does not mean we abandon the idea of "meant to be" entirely. It means we deepen it.
There is a more evolved version of this phrase available to us — one that is not passive, but awake. When we have done the inner work, when we have developed the skill to hold our values under pressure, we begin to notice something: certain choices feel meant to be made. Not because the universe decided for us, but because we have become clear enough to recognize what is aligned and what is not. "Meant to be" becomes less about what happens to us and more about what we are meant to choose.
This is the deeper awareness that spiritual maturity opens. It is not the universe writing your story without you. It is you becoming so aligned with your values that the next right choice becomes unmistakable — and you have the skill to make it.
Where in your life are you using "it was meant to be" to avoid building the skill to choose differently? And where might you already be sensing what is meant to be chosen — if you are willing to act on it?
If this teaching is stirring something in you, come be with us in person. There is a depth to live transmission that no newsletter can fully carry. We would love to see you on the road this year.
Upcoming 2026 Tour Dates:
Mt. Shasta, CA (3-Day Retreat) — August 9–11, 2026
Tampa, FL — September 19, 2026
Berkeley, CA — October 24, 2026
Portland, OR — October 31, 2026
Phoenix, AZ — November 14, 2026
See all tour details and reserve your seat → tour2026.mattandjoy.org
With love,
Matt and Joy Kahn
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